I decided to blog at a time when life feels okay. I think I blog here when I'm disturbed and feeling shitty about something. Hey, we all need to vent it out somehow.

Of course, we've again had our share of tumultuous moments the past month. Some of it even involved him going verbally ballistic at me for all of his problems in life. But whatevaz. I'm sort of over it because after a week or so later, he hummed up a good mood.

He even quipped in a pleasant voice, "Honey, did you notice that I haven't been getting mad anymore? You see, I thought about why I was getting mad and it's so stupid... so I decided to change my attitude. It's the damn economy."

Of course, he has to blame something other than himself. OH well. It's a start. Gosh osh kosh b'gosh. Thank the Lord! The man admits that his poor attitude is stupid! So, he's actually been nicer to me and our little boy. He even looked after our little munchkin for practically one whole day while I had to do some important errands.

The funny thing is that this has happened before.... you know that stage when he contains the anger of King Kong and then decidedly "changes" his "attitude" and view on life. I'm glad that he takes opportunities to reexamine his behavior. I mean, who wants to be a miserable man for the rest of his life anyway?

In some weird way, I think I've actually learned to be more patient and understanding of people in general. Before I got married, I recall reflecting on my own shortcomings, like I thought I was sometimes quick to get angry. I wanted to be with someone that would complement my shortcomings so I wanted someone that was extremely mild-tempered. Turns out that he's the opposite of what I wanted but his extreme has somehow turned me into resisting the urge to get myself riled up for most incidences. Furthermore, I believe that my experience in becoming a mom has increased my patience. I think about how I want to react to munchkin's mishaps. I realize that a child at his age is very sensitive to his environment and needs a good model.

So, again, my actions and words are somehow conscientiously and hopefully reactively conditioned by my desire to shape munchkin's environment.

Hopefully, this "change" in attitude will prevail!!

Guess who I'm referring to? That's right folks. It's about the abominable hubster.

So the other day I made a slip to his dear mom about some of his negative habits. For one thing, he recalled a similar related story and omitted one crucial info so that he wouldn't look like a jackass. Had he never even brought up the story, things would have been more coolio. His fault and partly my baaad! Geeez, I was gone for 2 minutes and I came back nearly swooning to the effects of a tornado. Anyway, I guess her "nagging" flustered him like crazy and her slip of what I confided in her made him dramatically smash some kitchenware onto our other hard surfaced furniture and shatter it. Oh, the domino effect of cookies strewn all over our huge living room floor was just the icing on the drama.

I'm pretty furious at his mumsy cuz she had no right to blurt my confidence and be so unwise in her years. Of course she felt badly but she didn't think anything of it. I was concerned that he was going to blow a fuse in my face. Turns out that I was more right than she was. He screamed and cursed the light out of day via the telephone like twice that night. Thanks hubster's mom for putting more unnecessary drama in these stressful times.

Fuck. His pride is soooo damn important to him that he can't face the reality of his congenitally explosive temper and what it does to our family. He doesn't have a grasp on his actions sometimes. Lucky for him, I seem to strangely have a decent head on my shoulders in times like this and refuse to behave so animalistic. So, I just played it smooth that night when he came home late. No words. Maybe a slight glance. Gave him some food I made (perhaps as something of a peace offering... though I don't always understand why i have to be the peace maker).

Next day, I was civil and didn't even bring it up. He was so friendly and nice to me. Like huh??? SOOO bipolar.

Maybe he realized his action were a little dramatic. Maybe deep inside he's ashamed of himself. Not so sure.

Anyway, this is my world. Welcome to my world.

Since I got married?
Since I quit my job?
Since I had a kid?

Yes to changes on all three questions. But have I changed THAT MUCH?

Has HE changed THAT MUCH since HE got married to me?

I wonder I wonder. And as we both have changed, would I say that for the most part, it's for better or for worse??

Questions of divorce? Is that even an option? NO. Definitely not right now. I know we both fight and blow up from time to time but this memory seems to stick with me when he uttered these words several months ago.

"If I don't make you happy, just divorce me."

What a fucking bastard. An idiot really for saying that cuz that's now etched in my memory and being a woman, I can use those same words as a vehicle for destruction. I am a woman and i WILL do damage if you try to fuck me over. I am not working. So, what hidden money would I get from you? Do I get sole custody? I feel like he said those words cuz he knows that I wouldn't do it. It was thrown out so carelessly, so thoughtlessly. For me, I wouldn't utter the word divorce no matter how much it crossed my mind unless I fucking had the papers ready and it was a reality. I don't care how fucking angry you are, you don't say that word to ME of all people unless you truly want me to raise hell in your life.

He doesn't truly think before he speaks. Then he'll realize his mistake and act super nice and shit. It fucking annoys me.

God forbid that I would ever have to make any of this a reality but I think these thoughts cross every married couple's head at one point or another. The fact that an innocent child is now in the picture of things makes it all the more harder. I think I would weather the storm just for my munchkin's benefit. I'm old school that way. I put up with so much shit that I otherwise would never ever have done had I not been married. Decisions of splitting was so much easier when i was Single. I would say "SEE YA." and take off like a lightning bolt and move on to the next guy in waiting. It used to be kind of easy for me to do that. There was always a guy. Whether it be a hunk or a chump, mister right, mister wrong. There was always another fish in this ocean. Tides would come in sordid waves to beach my next guy in waiting. But all of those thoughts must now be washed away.

Today, I'm O.K. with him. I think I might always have some complaints about him. I know that he's a good man. It's just too bad that he speaks diarrhea that sometimes hurts the living shit out of me. I know I've hurt him at times, too.
We once both agreed that we didn't believe in divorce. So, I think it's only fair to leave that word out of our fights. I just think it's so unfair and immature of him that I have to be the bigger person all the fucking time. I really don't know if there's a reward for being the bigger person.

Today, I'm sort of happy but it's the memory of those words that haunts me to see a future of a possible fight that will bring up those words once again. Be it fake or real, it's just NOT FAIR that he should test my patience. And it's just too bad that I remember his fits. Etched in my memory. I just hope that his words don't bite him too hard in his ass.

Let's start again.

Today, I'm happy to be married to a faulty yet well-meaning man. We have a beautiful munchkin whom I love with my life. Yes, I'm a changed woman. But I've changed to realize what it is to love another 110%.

Anyway, so I'm married. I'm stuck with this decision for life. Must weather the storm. Must be patient. Must anticipate the good things about him. Must remind myself why we do what we do when we do and think good thoughts. So, to all married couples and etcetera, flares will ride high up up up.... but what goes up must come down. Focus on the positive.

Payce!