I took my kid out to breakfast this past weekend. It was a nice neighborhood and it was nice to just get away. As we were eating, an old Korean couple wearing straw-brimmed hats strolled into the restaurant and waited for their order at the table across from ours. I could tell that they were trying to figure out if my kid and I were Korean. Once we were done with our food, they overheard my kid speaking in Korean.

So, they started a conversation with me. "Ah, you're Korean!"

"Yes, I am." I prompted my kid to say hello to them.

The old grandpa continued to comment on how handsome my son was and how pretty I was. (My son could be a child model.) He continued on to say that he had four sons and that none of their wives were pretty. The thing with old Koreans with children is that they're always looking at potential mates for their own children. So, perhaps they do look at the superficial first. Why do old people care about these things?

"Is this your only child? You should have another one!" I just answered that my schedule limited me at this point in my life... so, I thanked them and bid them good day.

I wondered to myself, what do looks really matter? Look at our situation. The old couple weren't lookers at all. So, perhaps their children were average looking but maybe they found their perfect matches and were really happy. Would the old fogies still be envious of us and our looks had they known that I was going to be a divorcee? And not just a divorcee. A divorced single mom. What traditional Korean old fogie would like to invite a divorced single mom into their family?

And who's to say if I'll ever get remarried? Why are people already talking about this? It's fucking insane. I eventually do want to better myself and I want to be happy. I have to find happiness within myself first before I ever even consider dating or whatever. First things first, I need to file the paperwork.

My estranged, raging husband is going to make my life a living hell. I'm at loss for how I'm going to best protect the interests of everyone -- now that other people are stuck in the middle.  Sadly, we're all intermingled in this. I was hoping that if we ever split that it would be somewhat amicable. My situation is "high conflict" and he seriously needs psychiatric help. Because he thinks that he's "fucked" he wants everyone else to suffer as much as possible. Why the hell did I ever ever marry this psycho?

Our marriage is irreparably damaged. I was starting to imagine my life as a divorced single mom and finally find some peace along those lines of thought. But no, there is no peace. He feels like he's entitled to revenge and his targets are clear. I feel utter disbelief and sadness.

I wish he'd admit to needing counseling and seeing a doc. Maybe someone else can just convince him that he just needs to step back and walk away (and disappear from my life).

Well, not really. But I think I'm going to get prepared for it should "D"day ever arrive. I don't know if we'll get lucky and have the different storm waves pass us again, but every time he so carelessly and callously drops that word, I wonder when or if that day will come. The thing is, because that word has been dropped so many times over the course of these past 5 years, I'm slowly getting used to it. Who doesn't miss their single lives? Who doesn't miss having nil responsibilities or little debt? The difference between us is that I've fucking grown up. That's life. When you're 30-some years old, you can't keep playing the fucking victim. We're supposed to be stronger than that.

I'm sick of the roller coaster rides. Of course it's easier to scream my head off when I'm getting harassed with his fucking phone calls every 25 minutes for 6 hours straight. No fucking kidding. It's so easy to drop the "D" word for him because he's slow to grow up. And when does me being related to someone reserves him the right to get postal every time he's upset. I told him not to call me just to fucking yell. It's one thing when you're venting about something, but it's terrinly annoying and rude when you constantly harass your spouse with something out of her control. Sure, I guess it would have been great if I could read minds and see how to relax the fucking egomaniac. When is it ever okay to verbally abuse anyone? There's a reason why his whole family probably thinks he's nuts. There's a reason why he's gained the reputation of being a hothead. Who hasn't he disrespected or yelled at? Seriously. With the exception of one family member that we never see, I can't think of a single person in both of our families that he hasn't screamed at. It's humiliating and embarrassing to see a grown man throw what I consider tantrums. I understand his anger issues. But dude, learn to control it somehow and take a breather.

I haven't D'ed because I care too much about everyone around me. I'm logical and reasonable and too nice. I somehow want to hold onto the wise old people's advice about weathering the storms. I don't want to splinter my child's emotions and heart. I know deep inside is still that sweet and caring man. He just needs to realize that sometimes life isn't so easy. It takes time...

How is it that one day he could be hunky dory -- looking forward to the future and then the next day, upon one episode of being dismayed, physically ruin everything in sight and everyone's mood around him and threaten to leave everthing and everyone? Of course, running away would be the easy thing to do. Does it solve problems?

What if I did the same thing? Run away from all this. Leave all my responsibilities and say, "fuck it, I'm out, y'all can pick up the pieces..." His family and business issues are not my fucking fault. His personality deficiencies and lack of social graces are the culprits of his imaginative and delusional outbursts. Maybe he has a personality disorder. Maybe he's bipolar. I don't know. All I know is that a reasonable person can learn to take a breather and talk rather than shout all the time.

Are people happier after "D"?